Today I wanted to highlight one of my favorite authors, and post a blog from her website. Dr. Paulette Sherman, author of Dating From the Inside Out, has a terrific website called My Dating School with many resources for the single person.

Last night we rented a Netflix movie from 1981 called ‘Modern Romance’ starring Albert Brooks. It focused on a man who was ambivalent about relationships and commitment. He went back and forth continually about the woman he was dating, driving her crazy in the process. His neuroticism was palpable and it was clear that the drama was mostly within him, not in their relationship. I will warn you that this movie feels old in that it moves slowly compared to films made today. You will have to have patience to get through it (and it may annoy you) but it does present a good picture of how one’s dating psychology can impact their love success.

I think this is an important topic because I often hear singles turn upon themselves when a relationship fails. They automatically blame themselves for a break-up or for other relationships hiccups and this affects their self-esteem. Of course it is important to look at yourself and to gain insight into your stumbling blocks when it comes to love but this film highlights that it can sometimes be the other person! I have seen cases where one partner backs away due to their internal conflicts, no matter how calm and wonderful the other person may be. This is important to remember and it could save you weeks of tormenting yourself.

The character that Albert Brooks plays in this film illustrates how often our inner conflicts get played out as outer conflicts in our relationships. For example Brooks has an internal conflict where he wants to be with his girlfriend all the time and at the same time he wants to be alone. With other singles common internal conflicts include: wanting commitment versus wanting freedom, wanting intimacy versus personal space, wanting someone who really wants to be with you versus picking someone who is emotionally unavailable (and many more core conflict varieties). The point is that these conflicts are like two parts of your self that remain continually at odds and cause perpetual indecision in your relationships and psyche. In these cases, it may look like you are fighting with your partner when really you are conflicted within yourself. So sometimes it can be important to look with to understand your own dating psychology and fears before you determine the fate of an outer relationship. In the film, Brooks was a good for therapy but instead he ends up marrying his girlfriend, getting divorced from her a month later and then starting to date her again! This shows how powerfully our conflicts can continue to direct us and our lives when we don’t pay close attention to understanding and dealing with them. They constantly place us in ‘no win situations’ taunting us to look at and resolve them!

If upon reading this you feel that your conflicts about love or the opposite sex are affecting the success of your love life, read my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ and do the exercises in the Unconscious Dating section. If you need even more help, consider going to therapy for a period of time to examine how your inner vision of love gets reenacted in your outer relationships.

This film helps us realize how much misery our inner conflicts can cause ourselves and our partners when they are not recognized. We are all works in progress and probably all of us have psychological conflicts but there are varying degrees of havoc that these ‘tug of wars’ can play. So consider working on your relationship with yourself so that you will be more conscious about what you bring to the table in your relationships. Conversely, you might also consider that the people you date may have unresolved conflicts that they will project upon you and your relationship and if this is the case, you probably will not be able to fix it. They need to be willing to do their own work!

If you have the patience to see this film, let us know what you think. And if you have had experiences where a person’s inner dating conflicts affected your relationship, please feel free to share your experience here.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: how to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. Check it out at:

Yoga teacher Hillary Rubin teaches us to let down the masks that create your anxiety by being transparent in relationships – this builds trust & love.

For most of my life I put on masks to fit into circles of friends or to get a job and began to lose myself. I have found that as children we are seeking our identity outside as we are still forming physically, emotionally, and if we are lucky, spiritually.
I went from being the tomboy, to the tomboy princess to the NY fashionista to the LA yoga teacher. There are many more roles I play that we all play in life.  And the question is are they all you. I used to think not because I would hide who I was behind to fit in. Even as an adult I did this. Only my really close friends would see my quirky playful side and this was few and far between.
What has been happening for a long time and now brought to the forfront of my awareness is a low grade anxiety. This has been with me all my life and actually got in the way of my relationships growing more intimate. The feeling in my body was like my skin was too tight and I just had to get out. My practice of yoga and meditation helps for a bit and then it would come out.

OUCH, this hurt big time!

Being a health and wellness expert I felt this was a bit of a failure that is so not true. If you are on the path then there is always room for healing and growth. I was finding that my mind was too strong and I needed a stronger medicine. (I don’t mean real medication this is a metaphor for using a practice to help the situation.)
In my life having to drop the masks and revel who I really am always comes with a bit of fear. All of us want to be loved and when we stop trying to be what we think we have to be to anyone it is like floating in the air and wondering if you are going to crash to the ground.
One day I had a really interesting experience that brought this to a head — or you could say my “aha” moment. I was on the phone with a mentor who I really love and respect. I made a request for something and was really afraid of her feeling I was not honoring her. I was sitting in my fear totally afraid of how she was going to see me. As I was talking I noticed I was talking really fast and not present or breathing. She said to me, Hillary you know you have to take a breath when you are talking. I felt like an idiot being that I teach this to others. Then in a moment I realized I was afraid of what she would think.
It was painful for me. I did not take the time to value myself, put up a mask and it just got so tight I could not connect. In a moment I made a choice to shift my mindset. Breathed. Then said, I want to be really transparent with you. This is my fear and what is really going on that I was not telling you. I shared from my heart. Then the relationship was woven tighter as there was trust met by her love. This brought down the mask I was holding on and there was a huge relief. My skin was breathing and I was seen.

Awareness will help you see how you are hiding.

Later the same day I was talking to a new friend and I could feel I did not have any masks with her. Interesting I thought – no masks. What is different? Why do I feel more connected to her? I was breathing, not grasping and totally present. I even chose to not drive and talk and sit on the grass and connect with her.

Can you relate? Do you hold yourself differently when you feel that someone does not see you. Do you hold yourself differently when someone does see you? Do you hold yourself differently when you are honest with yourself?
What came of this was that the stakes I created were higher with one than the other. I put one person actually in a position that could do “something” for me and gave my power away. The victim mask was what I was using and it caused me a misalignment with my expression. A huge realization that brought me to my truth that I have the power to be myself or try to put on someone else’s shoes. It does not work! And I mean NEVER!!!

When there were no stakes, nothing to grasp and just connect with my new friend I was more present with my heart. This was my choice of course. I felt that I had to be a certain way to connect to  my mentor and was just being myself with my friend.

Notice the labels I give also place a different vibration that creates a mask that I choose to put on. (can you see where you do this in your life?)  As humans we cannot get away from the identity game or mask playing. Watch for where you place your trust and if you are met by love. This is a huge step and you can do it.

Watch to see in your own life where you play off of another’s energy that brings you anxiety and takes you away from your essence or soul. Take a deep breath find something you can connect to like feeling the clothing on your body to get present. Then check in to see if you are moving away from yourself or towards yourself.
This takes time and you can do it. Play with this at work, home, family, even in the supermarket so you can see all the roles you play and where you feel the best in your skin.
Remember that we all wear masks and underneath we can always find who we really are at our core – love, beauty, joy, peace and good.

Your partner in transformation,

Hillary Rubin

Read more from Hillary on her blog HillaryRubinBlog.com and buy her Yoga Foundations with Hillary Rubin.

Veronica was beautiful and accomplished but there were many nights when she cried herself to sleep, wondering if she would ever find her soulmate. My friend Jack was also going through a difficult time; his wife had announced she wanted a divorce and he was still reeling from the shock.

A couple months after Jack’s separation, he received a Facebook friend request from the girlfriend who broke his heart at nineteen. It was Veronica. She had suddenly felt compelled to track him down, fully expecting him to be happily married with a family. Still, it would be comforting for her to at least say hello and wish him a good life. Veronica’s timing was impeccable. Jack told me that he had never expected to hear from her again and that her message had really brightened his day.

After a few Facebook messages, Veronica suggested that Jack give her a call. That was a few months ago and they’ve been talking ever since. The three hundred miles that separate them have been rendered irrelevant by twice-monthly visits and daily phone conversations. Veronica is actively seeking employment here in the Twin CIties where Jack lives and their life together is already taking shape.

Veronica now sees that there was a purpose behind her long, lonely nights: the universe was making arrangements to bring Jack back into her life. That process could not be forced or rushed; they both now recognize that everything unfolded in the only way it could have to deliver them into each other’s arms.

Veronica’s sadness is now just a distant memory. Here despair was like a darkened room—a room can be dark for ten seconds or ten years; the moment that light floods the room, the darkness disappears as though it had never been.

When a certain outcome is desired, some people choose to “let go and let God” while others adopt an aggressive “do it yourself” mindset. Although these approaches seem to be perched on opposite ends of the goal-getting spectrum, they actually dovetail perfectly. Reconcile them by doing what you feel guided to do while staying open to unanticipated outcomes.

Pray as if everything depended on God and act as if everything depended on you.
Saint Augustine

Your job is to clarify the “what” and let God take care of the “how” and the “when.” Even so, you must do your share of the heavy lifting. Your heart’s desire will not just drop into your lap.

God gives every bird his worm, but He does not throw it into the nest.
P. D. James

Embrace continual self-improvement, live with integrity, and trust with infinite patience—and the universe will conspire on your behalf to manifest the answer to your prayer in the perfect form and at the perfect time.

She knows Omnipotence hath heard her prayer,
And cries, “It shall be done, sometime, somewhere.”
Ophelia G. Browning

Click here for more from Phil Bolsta finding your soulmate.